i don’t have anymore. i have a stomachful of nickels, weighting down the words. am i awry? last night it was 3am and i stared at the ceiling, out the window hearing everything and nothing. no sleep, no way to be weary. i crash down, i smell fear, i feel the chaos in others. it permeates my skin as i’m brushing it off. you protect, you, my armor of a man. i think of years from now – is it what i see now or where will i be? there there there or in a field, galloping. i can be there. these days i speak of dead and feel cold water coursing through my own veins. where do you take me, where is it the difference between me and them. i’m asking, i’m seeking, i’m brutal against myself. counting the times i am imperfect, pounding my mistakes against the wall, reshaping them. how is it we are? when will i find two closed eye that don’t flutter, that don’t crack…maybe i’m just waiting for new skin, that warmth you promised, a city that looks different with your hand in mine. but i must combat this question that lies inside. does it always tell me, or does it simply test what’s not there. over think. under sleep. i am looking for something. looking (seeking) (lost/found). good. better. soon.
i can relate. the words aren’t floating up to me either. i’ve been sleeping, except when the anxieties take over, which isn’t too often lately. hope you have a very good weekend:)
there you are! where you been? hope all’s well! yeah the sleepnessless is really bad – i realized that it’s started with my pup’s departure and the start of my business, but i think it’s the former that’s really messed me up, as she’s not here to protect me. every night she’d come in and lay down right by my bed. i miss her.
i’m asking, i’m seeking, i’m brutal against myself. Oh yes oh yes. This was great. I am only alive today due to my sleeping pills
not having health insurance right now (waiting for the F***ing underwriters to approve…) has been tough, i miss my monthly therapist ‘tune up’
I struggle with insomnia on occasion and fight this brutality against my own self even when I am sleeping well, at times. Why do we do this? i am not harsh with others–I save that for myself.
Every city looks different with a hand in yours… That’s a beautiful thing to dream on
.
that is true, that second thought of yours
i miss my puppy really bad, it’s all finally coming out, as i didn’t cry for the first weeks like i thought i would. it’s real now, she’s gone. 