Category Archives: Playing With My Food

The things I’m learning (my food story)

my inspiration = strength + hard work + curves

I am learning.

I can now go to a restaurant and make smarter decisions.  When I allow myself to have eggs OR meat OR something bread-related, I make my points go a lot farther. I now ask for items without the included bread/toast/croissant/muffin so there’s no temptation.  I rarely order a beverage – empty calories (& unnecessary points) and they say it’s actually bad for the digestion.  I drink water water water water!

With the social level of work I do, I have to be conscious.  So, I have changed it up and usually meet for a meal somewhere that I know has healthy options, rather than straight up coffee.  I use that in-between time for my exercise, reading one of my library books (currently an amazing bio on Harriet Tubman) and catching up on the emails that pile up with my multiple clients.

Reaching out for help in adjusting my relationship with food was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do.  I see how much pressure I put on myself, how many outdated reasons I’ve used to eat things that don’t nourish me (do you realize how often you eat not because you crave the food but the memory it’s associated with, for example?), and how much more conscious I’ve become of the mind’s tricks it plays on you.

Here’s the deal.  I wasn’t an overweight child.  In fact, I was a dancer for many many years.  I have never been on a diet.  I walk and/or bike almost everywhere (I don’t own a car).  I grow my own food and shop organic.  I don’t like potato chips or packaged cookies or french fries or fast food or beer.  As a former chocolatier, the key ingredient in my truffles was never my downfall.

During my marriage, I gained 40 pounds.  I was married to an emotionally scarred addict who fell down the newest rabbit hold of alcoholism during the final years of our relationship.  As I’d loved this man since I was a mere sixteen years old, I was convinced I was failing when he retreated into the bottle, when he reminded me of how skinny I was when we first met, when he showed little interest in making things work, when he used the textbook manipulations to make me feel like I was at fault, when he chose his mother, time and again, over me.  After I divorced him, I gained 20 pounds more. I moved back to my hometown, bought a home, changed my life, started on a good path, and had lost about half of the weight.  Then my father died – and all the weight came back.

Did I tell you my father died due to complications originating from obesity (hemhorragic stroke caused by uncontrolled high blood pressure caused by morbid obesity)?  Did I tell you I never acknowledged that my father was an addict until after his passing?

The dirty little secret of eating disorders – obesity is an eating disorder, it’s not just on the skinny side – is that they are addictive behaviors.  Obesity is the addiction to food.

And yet, you can’t quit food.

“So just don’t eat it” she would say.  My mother was always a beautifully curvy woman, yet when I had gained weight, she had suddenly lost all her bootyliciousness and gone thin – then judged us on how “heavy” we were.  How she spoke about my sister’s weight gain made me think, wow, how humiliated she must be by me.  As she was about my father.

Dairy.  Fuckin’ dairy.  Ice cream doesn’t cross the threshold of my home.  I traded in nonfat milk for almond milk a year or two ago.  I avoid sour cream and yogurt and - my hardest battle – now try to avoid cheese.   Avoiding that is a mental game I am attempting this week as I bought some smoked cheddar to put on a baked potato – the smallest increment I could (but still, for points?  even a cube can ruin the rest of your points for the day) – and sometimes it might as well be singing like a siren to me, my dears.

Walking down the aisles of the stores when you can’t make a sound food decision, and you walk out, empty, because you don’t trust yourself.  Ever been there?

The fantastically beautiful feeling I have after a great workout at the gym, after an extra long bike ride, after working my tail off in the yard all day?  It’s worth recalling on those tough days. Yet still, you can find yourself wanting to hide under the covers, and pretend.

I’ve lost 7 people I cared for in the 7 years I’ve been back in P-town.
2006 – grandmother
2008 – grandfather, father
2010 – friend
2011 – grandmother
2012 – friend, beloved dog of 9 years

How am I going to make this current grief evolve into one where I give myself the world rather than punish myself?

One day at a time, I forgive myself.  One day at a time, I am brave.  One day at a time, I allow myself to grow, to heal, to love and be loved.  One day at a time, I learn to be gentle with myself.

I keep going, I keep showing the whole world everyday I’m growing
Everything, everything, everything, everything, everything in me says I got this.
~ Jennifer Hudson

Recipe: Garbanzo & Tomato Salad w/ Soyrizo Chorizo

I found this recipe in the latest issue of Redbook and modified it to my liking (and my garden) and MMM was it tasty – and simple…

oh yes and for all you WW folks, one serving = 7 points :-)

Garbanzo & Tomato Salad w/ Soyrizo Chorizo (serves 4)

1 tbsp organic EV olive oil (I buy this in the bulk aisle, refilling the same dark green glass bottle over & over)
6 oz (1 link) Soyrizo chorizo, crumbled (I’m not vegan/veg but find meat is harder on my tummy these days so this gives the texture & spice I like)
1/2 cup green onions (chopped right outta the garden)
1 can of garbanzo beans (eventually I’m going to buy these in bulk, but the good folks at Eden do a great can of organic beans in a BPA-free can)
16 oz yellow pear tomatoes, halved (dude I got a TON of these in the garden so it’s a relief to have something to use them in besides greens or pasta!)
2 tbsp organic white wine vinegar (I always have a big bottle of this in the fridge as it’s also a great alternative to balsamic in vinaigrettes as I stopped buying salad dressing years ago).
1/4 tsp organic black pepper (bulk aisle purchase, of course)
Dash sea salt (yep, another bulk aisle favorite)
1/8 cup dried parsley (or double if fresh – I’ve done a crap job growing it this year for some reason so glad I had the dried stuff from the bulk bins on hand)

Saute the chorizo for a few minutes in the olive oil and add the green onions, making sure to stir regularly (it tends to stick compared to real sausage so I use a spatula).  Stir in the garbanzos, pepper, salt, and parsley, and saute for a bit longer.  Add the tomatoes and white wine vinegar and cook a few more minutes then serve warm.

Overabundance in the Garden: Swiss Chard Lasagne

so really, when else in life can you say that yellow veins are cool?

Okay so I think chard is cool.  For me, it’s a recently acquired taste.  I have come to dig it all tossed up in a good vinaigrette, and occasionally sauteed with bacon.  But, really folks, was it an excuse to plant 24 seeds that would ALL come up?  Sheesh!

That is, until I made Swiss Chard Lasagne this week.  Not only is it insanely tasty, the chard sautes up so tiny that you can easily use two bunches instead of the called-for single bunch in the recipe and still not be overwhelmed with greenery.  Here’s my version…and for kicks, I’ve added links to the ingredients that are store bought in case you’re curious what I’m using…

1 box spelt lasagne
Organic olive oil from the bulk aisle
1 to 2 bunches of chard from the garden, stems & leaves finely chopped
4 cloves garlic from the garden, finely minced
1 cup lowfat organic cottage cheese
1/4 cup organic  half & half
1 egg from my friend down the street who has ducks
Salt & Pepper from the bulk aisle
2 tbsp pecorino
2 tbsp basil
 from the garden
2 cups mozzarella 

Preheat 350.  Boil lasagne and let sit in bowl of cold water to avoid sticking.  Heat oil in skillet over medium, adding garlic & stems, cooking for 4 minutes.  Add leaves and cook until wilted, 3 minutes.  Mix  cottage cheese, egg, pecorino, salt& pepper, and basil.  Brush casserole dish with oil, then layer with noodles, then cheese mixture, then chard,  then noodles, then cheese, then chard, then noodles, etc, making sure at the end there’s a whole bunch of mozzarella on top!   Bake 20 minutes and wait 5 min before cutting & serving.

NOTE:  this flattens up a lot when it cooks so don’t hesitate to double the entire recipe if you want a “taller” lasagne!!

Mmm, Tasty – Goat Cheese & Rosemary Bread Pudding

photo gifted to me by someone dear

With Spring finally kicking in, short sleeve bike commutes are back, and I’m returning to that lovely space where I get home, kick off my shoes and, be wandering the garden. Oh yeah – and I’m back in the kitchen with a bit more oomph than in winter.  So, with that, noticing the bees blissfully buzzing around my giant rosemary bush in the front yard, I thought I’d share one of my comfort foods – goat cheese and rosemary bread pudding, served individually.  Note – I’ve added links to my favorite products this time :)

2 1/2 cups bread, crustless & torn up
6 oz goat cheese, crumbled
1 tbsp fresh rosemary
2 fresh duck or chicken eggs
1 cup soy creamer
1/2 cup milk or alternative milk
Pepper to taste

Preheat 350°. Butter 6 ramekins. Put bread in food processor to make crumbs. In bowl, toss crumbs, cheese and rosemary.  In large bowl, whisk eggs, cream and pepper, then stir in breadcrumbs and combine well. Divide mixture evenly among ramekins. Place ramekins in a casserole dish and add hot water to reach halfway up the sides. Bake puddings in middle of oven until puffed and golden, about 35 minutes. Transfer ramekins to rack and cool 10 minutes. Serve warm.

Fave first book of 2012

this is the follow up to ‘jam it, pickle it, cure it’ that i already adore (especially the homemade ketchup i now make every year, YUM), and there are a few recipes already begging for my attention…starting with homemade vanilla.  and maybe homemade corndogs next summer solstice? “why haven’t i thought of that?” is my favorite thing i hear myself saying…this is why i love this book.